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White Hot Shame
“Alright, shirt off, it’s time to take the comparison pictures” said Jon.
Fuck
I knew that this part of the process was coming. Where I stand back-to-back with someone who has spent a lifetime crafting their physique whilst I spent the same lifetime abusing mine
And it showed
I hated it
I hated the process and hated the result. Standing there topless I felt a lifetime of self-consciousness hit me hard in my (currently very substantial) gut
And I felt a white hot shame about how I had managed to end up at this point
It wasn’t just the pudgy, broken body that bothered me, but the endless string of broken self promises and ‘Fuck it’ moments that my pudgy, broken body represented
These pictures cut very deep, however…
But dragging my shame into the light was part of the plan
They say that the ‘Truth will set you free’ and despite the hatred and fear of the process, I knew it had to be done. This isn’t what I wanted but I knew, begrudgingly, it’s what was needed
No spoonful of sugar with this medicine
But once you know the problem you can get to work on the solution and despite my initial horror, this actually represented a line drawn in the sand and a rock bottom from which I never want to return too
It’s a very public promise to the world that enough is enough and that I am a better man than this. It’s also weapons grade peer pressure.
So in a strange twist of fate it might end up being the most amazing, life changing photograph that I ever have taken.
And that’s a much better and cooler way to think about it
